Held

This past week, my eighteen-month-old has really worked on my heart.  Whenever I was leaving the house to go to work or to write, he'd grab hold of my lower leg or ankle and look at me with his big, brown eyes.  He'd grunt lightly and lift just one arm, refusing to relinquish his hold with the other, until I put down my things and scooped him up. Then he'd nuzzle in close to me, just breathing in my mom-scent, at peace and content with his little world. 

During moments like those, I am exactly what he needs. Life has demands, and some of those demands mean that I leave him for a few hours. And honestly, I'm okay with that. I know it's good for them to have some time away from me.  But I also know that there are times where my son simply needs to be overwhelmed with the pure, unending, and unconditional love of his mama.

Today it hit me that I'm just like him, in so many ways... But that I needed to be more like him in others.

When it comes to Jesus, I'm constantly in pursuit of His protection and His will. The thought of not having Him in my life scares me, the same way my little boy is scared when I leave the house. 

I pray all day, every day, for the Lord's guidance in all areas of life. No matter the situation, I grab at His ankles and look at Him with scared, wide eyes and beg Him to help me through it.

But what I do next differs from the instinct of children.

Instead of allowing God to scoop me up, I run in a million different directions, trying to "do" whatever it is He's trying to tell me to "do", trying to fulfill all the promises that I've asked His guidance in making.

But hasn't He always told me to stop? 

To rest?  

To trust? 

To receive His greatest gift?

Why can't I actually accept what it is that I want, which is peace and grace?

Why can't I do what my toddler did? Why can't I rest in His arms and breathe in the scent of the Holy Spirit? Why don't I allow myself to be overwhelmed with the pure, unending, and unconditional love of our Father?

Why can't I just be held?

I constantly run in circles around him, worrying and fixing and creating and doing and leveraging myself until I run on empty, when all I have to do is ask to be picked up.

Today, I'm going to take a break from my hectic life. I'm going to pray and ask for guidance, but then I'm going to raise my arms up, widen my eyes in wonder, and take the time to just be held.

By the One who loves me most.